Friday, May 18, 2012

Holy Crap North Carolina! WTF!?!

Snow’s Cut, Under the Bridge.  This morning a lesbian couple woke up to find that their relationship had been nullified. Jean and Sid Barca of Wilmington reported that the nullification process had already begun in the home right after the votes were counted, passing Amendment One to North Carolina’s constitution.

“This morning when I rolled over to Sid’s side of the bed to give her a good morning kiss, I was repelled by some invisible force.  It was like someone had erected an invisible shield right down the center of our bed!

“I could see her, but I couldn’t touch her.  Couldn’t kiss her.  Couldn’t even hear her yawn or scream when she stretched out her arms and her hand hit the barrier.”  Jean shook her head in dismay before continuing.  

“She was so startled that she fell right out of bed.  I was pounding on the barrier and asking if she was alright, but she couldn’t hear me and I couldn’t hear her.

“As we moved through the house, this invisible force field seemed to push us away from one another. Then strangely, as I picked up my copy of Curve Magazine, I was really turned off by the lesbian couple on the cover.  I found myself wishing that there was a heterosexual couple on the cover, you know one man and one woman.

“I could see Sid and suddenly wished she were a man.  I wanted a man!  I couldn’t believe it.  I wished my wife of 17 years was a man!  The sight of her pajama top clinging to her breasts made me avert my eyes. I couldn’t believe it.  I knew right away that I had to make some serious changes to my life, and that those changes wouldn’t include Sid.”

A tall woman with auburn hair came into the room in the middle of our conversation and sat down on the couch beside Jean.  She lovingly place her hand on Jean’s knee.  I could feel the blood draining from my face when I realized that I had been had.

“Jean,” the other woman said. “You are such a liar!”

A smirk appeared on Jean’s face.

“Listen,” I said rather defensively.  “I was just trying to get a reaction from the gay and lesbian community about the passage of Amendment One.  There’s no need in making me out to be a fool.”

Jean began to laugh and the other woman whom I presumed to be Sid said, “She can be such a bitch and sadly she thinks it is all for a good laugh.  I don’t know anything about other couples, and I can only speak for myself, but this morning started out like every other morning.  Jean crowded me on my side of the bed until I started into the most intense searing hot flash I had had in a long time.  That is why I fell out of bed.  Jean fanned me with that copy of Curve, and then said that the model on the front cover had on a pretty sweater, and she wondered where she could get one like it.  Then once the hot flash …”

“Power surge,” Jean interjected.  “I like to think of them as power surges.”

Sid frowned at her wife and continued, “I got back in bed and we turned on the news.  That’s when we heard that it was passed.”

“It was the strangest thing, Jean said as she leaned forward towards me and lowered her voice a little.  “Hearing that the majority of the voters wanted to nullify our marriage, made me incredibly horny. I turned on my Ipod and put ‘Drive You All Night’ on repeat and turned the volume way up.”

“Do you have to share everything,” Sid interrupted.  “Whatever you tell her she’s going to write it down!  Have a little discretion for God’s sake.”

“Well, it’s the truth,” Jean retorted. “It’s kind of sexy feeling like an outlaw.  Day in and day out we go to work and come home and make dinner and watch TV and go to bed, and then we do it all over again the next day, but I can’t explain it.  This has put a little bit of zing back into our relationship.   It’s kind of sexy being a renegade.  That was the best sex we have had in ages.”

“Jean!”

Well, it’s the truth.”

Sid began to blush and said, “Still you don’t have to go blabbing it to the whole world.”

“Well, eventually things will change and we will be like everybody else and no one will care if we are legally married or not, so for right now, I am going to savor our outlaw ways.”

“God, you are such a drama queen,” Sid got up from the couch.  “I will be in the kitchen when you are finished.”  After she left, Jean got quiet and introspective.  She fingered the plain gold band on her left ring finger.  “What did Shakespeare say? ‘A rose by any other name still smells as sweet.’  They can pretend what they like, but we know what our love means. ”

Monday, April 16, 2012

Local Woman Refuses to Take Life on Life’s Terms.

Under the bridge, Snow’s Cut, NC.  Yesterday, local resident, Naomi Smythington, decided to stop taking life on life’s terms.  She has resolved to enter a classic state of denial.  She inquired about passport requirements but was assured that the State of Denial (SOD) accepts persons of any “sex, creed, nationality, sexual orientation or economic status.”  

The official she spoke with in the SOD said that it was kind of like the United States used to be, “you know back in the day when all were welcome... unless of course you were black or gay or jewish or couldn’t be exploited as a working underclass …  everyone except them... .”  But the official assured her that even those people were welcome in the State of Denial.  

“SOD is for everyone,” the spokesperson stated. “We pride ourselves on being an all encompassing group.  We believe that, the State of Denial is within all of us. It’s the one common thread that weaves through all of humanity (and I have known several cats who qualify as well).  The fabric of denial is strong, multi-cultural, and woven from the threads of the super rich to the desperately poor.  SOD knows no strangers.

Naomi Smythington stated that she couldn’t wait to move to SOD, but the SOD spokesperson cautioned that not everyone has the fortitude to live there permanently.  She suggested that Naomi vacation there first before selling everything and establishing residence.  

“Go to the beach and pretend you live there oceanfront,” stated the spokesperson. “Try that on for size first and see how it goes.  Try assuming that the lottery will be your retirement plan and live accordingly.  Those should be good tests to find out if you are really up for permanent residence.

Smythington has tabled the move for a few months.  She said that just thinking about it was overwhelming, so she decided to pull the blackout shades and go back to bed.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Woman cannot get off of the couch.

Under the Bridge, Snow’s Cut, NC --  On the day after Christmas, a local woman revealed that she just can’t get off the couch.  “I have already been to Walmart to exchange a gift for my seven year old and get some chocolate soy milk.  I am just exhausted.” She could barely move her hand off of her forehead as she spoke.  

The Art of the Dive

Christmas is stressful.  Hunting down the perfect gift, spending money on the perfect gift and taking on overtime work to pay for the perfect gift is hard enough, but then one has to start praying that the recipient of the perfect gift doesn’t put it on the “World’s Top Ten Worst Christmas Presents Ever" list on the internet.  It is exhausting.  Now, competing for buying gifts involves dodging pepper spray... I shudder to think of it.