Saturday, March 17, 2012

"You Say Mullet Like It's a Bad Thing"

A Leland couple has finally resolved their long standing argument over the haircut, the mullet.  This haircut is characterized by long hair in the back of the head and short hair on the sides and in the front.  The couple has been arguing over the fashionable merits of the mullet hairstyle since they first met in 1994.
 After they married six years ago, they decided to resolve this argument once and for all, and that decision led the couple to research and write their latest ebook, You Say Mullet Like It's a Bad Thing, about this much maligned hairstyle.  
Deirdre and Karen Smythe of Leland, NC, sat down with me at a local Moravian hot spot to delve into the subject.  They found that the one subject that once polarized their usually amicable relationship, the mullet, was not so polarizing after all.  
We ordered our lunch, Deirdre ordered sauerkraut and sausage, while Karen had kalbsschnitzel and spaetzel, and I had a salad.  Deirdre began the conversation.
Deirdre, who had always been pro-mullet stated, “You know the saying, ‘business in the front; party in the back?’ It describes the mullet hairstyle perfectly.  It once was stereotyped as a lesbian hairstyle in the ‘80s and ‘90s, but the hairstyle has a long and distinguished history going back fifteen hundred years.”
Karen, who was militantly against anything mullet in their long standing argument, added, “yes, but women were treated as property from the beginning of time until the Nineteenth Amendment was passed in 1920, but clearly treating women like property wasn’t right now was it?”
“Well, there was that much argued period where the Amazon’s dominated Asia Minor,” Dierdre countered.
“And the ratings on CBS and then ABC in the late seventies,” interjected Karen, she smiled at her wife of 6 years, clearly ribbing her mate.  
Deirdre winced as she had a bite of the sauerkraut.  Deirdre gave her wife a withering glare before she continued, “As I was saying, the mullet was first recorded by Procopius, the 6th century Byzantine historian, who wrote Secret History.”
“Yes, but that work was no Sailing to Byzantium, and I assure you Yeats did not sport the mullet.”
“Yes, but Procopius wrote about an elite group of warriors who opposed the Romans and nearly conquerd them.  They differentiated themselves with this hairstyle.  This group was called the Massagetae, and then later, they were called the Huns.  Imagine, Attila the Hun probably had a Mullet.”
“And what happend to Attila?”
“He died.”
“Of Alcoholism,” Karen stated emphatically.
“That is a damn lie!” Deirdre shouted.  “Concocted by his enemies to discredit him! He most likely was assassinated!”
“That is mere supposition!”  
“At any rate, the mullet is a very old hairstyle,” I interjected.
On this statement, they both agreed.  Once the women regained their composure, they continued their conversation.  
Deirdre continued recounting the mullet’s history, “If we fast forward to current times, the mullet was resurrected in the 1960’s.  Florence Henderson had one in The Brady Bunch, David Cassidy in The Partridge Family and Paul McCartney had one when he was with ‘Wings.’”
At this Karen chimed in, “Yes, and the ‘Beastie Boys’ made a very negative song about it.  Don’t forget the famous ‘mullet head’ comment on Cheers.”
The couple remained on opposite sides of the “mullet” argument until recently when Karen stumbled upon a news story concerning the haircut.  
“It was revolutionary quite literally,” stated Karen, leaning forward over what was left of her spaezel.  
“The mullet was actually banned in Iran last year because it was too western.”
“Which is actually ironic because the Huns were reportedly from the region which is now Iran,” Deirdre added excitedly.
That was the piece of information that changed Karen’s mind about the hairstyle and prompted the couple to write their latest ebook now available online.
“Once I found out this, I became a true believer in the power of the mullet,” Karen said.
Karen and Deirdre clasped each other’s hand in unity over resolving their long standing argument.  Karen Smythe now wears the hairstyle while Deirdre still wears her hair long, pulled back in a pony tail.  
“It’s not my ideal look,” Karen stated, smoothing her short bangs to one side. “but until the 'Arab Spring' comes to Iran.  I will wear my hair this way.”
The couple now agrees that the mullet is a very good hairstyle, albeit for very different reasons.

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