Local Woman Refuses to Take Life on Life’s Terms.

Under the bridge, Snow’s Cut, NC.  Yesterday, local resident, Naomi Smythington, decided to stop taking life on life’s terms.  She has resolved to enter a classic state of denial.  She inquired about passport requirements but was assured that the State of Denial (SOD) accepts persons of any “sex, creed, nationality, sexual orientation or economic status.”  

The official she spoke with in the SOD said that it was kind of like the United States used to be, “you know back in the day when all were welcome... unless of course you were black or gay or jewish or couldn’t be exploited as a working underclass …  everyone except them... .”  But the official assured her that even those people were welcome in the State of Denial.  

“SOD is for everyone,” the spokesperson stated. “We pride ourselves on being an all encompassing group.  We believe that, the State of Denial is within all of us. It’s the one common thread that weaves through all of humanity (and I have known several cats who qualify as well).  The fabric of denial is strong, multi-cultural, and woven from the threads of the super rich to the desperately poor.  SOD knows no strangers.

Naomi Smythington stated that she couldn’t wait to move to SOD, but the SOD spokesperson cautioned that not everyone has the fortitude to live there permanently.  She suggested that Naomi vacation there first before selling everything and establishing residence.  

“Go to the beach and pretend you live there oceanfront,” stated the spokesperson. “Try that on for size first and see how it goes.  Try assuming that the lottery will be your retirement plan and live accordingly.  Those should be good tests to find out if you are really up for permanent residence.

Smythington has tabled the move for a few months.  She said that just thinking about it was overwhelming, so she decided to pull the blackout shades and go back to bed.

Woman cannot get off of the couch.

Under the Bridge, Snow’s Cut, NC --  On the day after Christmas, a local woman revealed that she just can’t get off the couch.  “I have already been to Walmart to exchange a gift for my seven year old and get some chocolate soy milk.  I am just exhausted.” She could barely move her hand off of her forehead as she spoke.  

The Art of the Dive

Christmas is stressful.  Hunting down the perfect gift, spending money on the perfect gift and taking on overtime work to pay for the perfect gift is hard enough, but then one has to start praying that the recipient of the perfect gift doesn’t put it on the “World’s Top Ten Worst Christmas Presents Ever" list on the internet.  It is exhausting.  Now, competing for buying gifts involves dodging pepper spray... I shudder to think of it.